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How To Gain Control Of Your Life "The latter part of a wise man's life," said Jonathan Swift, "is taken up in curing the follies, prejudices, and false opinions he had contracted in the former." Have a World-Changing Conversation I know what you're thinking? "Here I am, completely stressed out and overworked, and here's Barbara telling me that I can change the world by having a conversation! Really?the heat must have fried her brain?" Is Your Life Coach Manipulating You? Five Signs to Watch For Did you hire a "life coach" to help you sort out your complicated existence? The coach is a growing occupational choice for folks who feel the call to lead others who may feel overwhelmed or wish for personal fulfillment but don't know where to begin. So Why Are They Really Here? It does make you wonder sometimes, doesn't it? You know the folks I'm talking about. The ones who seem to be wandering around in the middle of a fog bank. The ones without a clue apparently, as to what life is all about. We see their stories on the evening news, we hear about them from our friends or co-workers, we may even know some of them. A Sure-Fire, 10-Step Formula To Get Started As A Coach Or Consultant "My guess is first I'll need some zippy flyers and a tri-fold brochure" said an email from Matt last week. Sadly, he is not the only one thinking that the first step to building a professional business is printing fliers and brochures. After all, that's what everyone does, right? And it seems like a logical place to start, doesn't it? The Harvest: Shared Power The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The farmers collect the sometimes-scant rewards of their heroic efforts begun months before. For those of us who are hobby or family gardeners, fall is the time for us to pluck the firm orange pumpkins, the deep green flowers of broccoli, and the plump red tomatoes from their vines. As we reap our rewards of months of work and waiting from the backdrop of the black, black earth, we realize our personal power. If not for our labors, if not for our devoted attention and timely reaction to environmental hazards, these fruits would not be borne. The seeds we sowed in the early spring have given us sustenance and security for the coming frigidness. Its Story Time! - Find the Power Within, or The Truth About Dogs I heard a story recently, and wanted to share it with you. It goes something like this: 4 Ways To Avoid Looking Stupid When Making Small Talk The fear of saying something silly and feeling embarrassed stops many of us from contributing more to discussions at work and when we are relaxing with friends. Its Not What You Think My work in organizations involves dropping habitual ways of perceiving in order to contact a fresh and subtle perceiving "under the surface" of what is going on. That deeper sense of perceiving allows the emergence of what I call the Engaging Leader, or the genuine expression of myself and the collective. Executive Coaching The higher you climb the ladder in this organization, the less chance you have of getting feedback about your performance. The working rule of thumb is "the farther up you go, the stranger things get," especially in the way you are reviewed and rewarded. We seem to have time for everything else, but not time to give our top people the kind of reviews they need to help them develop. -Executive level controller Why We Need Executive Coaching The American Dream ? Are We Really Free? The promises of THE AMERICAN DREAM (to have it all and enjoy it all, based on materialistic values system) has been holding us captive and threatening to take our power and freedom away- without our awareness, like a thief in the night. Flying in the Slow Lane Dogs distrust hot air balloons. I gathered this tidbit as my husband and I floated over the mountains in a wicker gondola, listening to the barking chorus that followed us even 3,000 feet into the air. The burner evokes canine protest -- but we had no problems, as we drifted with the currents and contemplated the silent fog in its morning retreat over the hills. We learned that a mere a six foot rise in altitude can change your direction, if your vehicle is a hot air balloon. We learned that the tops of trees look a lot different from above, and birds look surprised if you greet them in their nest. We waved reassurance to cows whose moos voiced concern at our strange presence overhead and we called "good morning" to the folk who blessed us with their waves. "Are those sheep?" my husband wondered, pointing to toy animals far below. "No," said our pilot placidly. "Cows." They turned out to be horses, but who cared. For the duration of our flight, nothing mattered, and that was perhaps the biggest lesson of the morning. Letting go of anxiety. Letting go of fear. Letting go of expectations. Letting go of everything -- except the absolute pleasure of quiet flight, confidence in the balloonist's competence, and sensitivity to the beauty of that is our gift for living in these hills. Take a hot air balloon ride. Treat yourself to a massage. Walk in the early morning dew. Listen ?really listen-- to the insects, the birds. Smile at a cat you haven't met. Take time for the slower things and Life will find a thousand ways to turn the blessing back to you. © Maureen Killoran, 2005 Buyer Beware: Choose A Business Coach Carefully To Get The Results You Want Consider this scenario. A colleague suggests you get a business coach. Via the Internet, you find one close-by. The woman says she'd love to help. She charges $300 a month for two 30-minute calls. It seems like a good deal, so you eagerly sign on the dotted line. Let?s Say You?re a Dog. Are You So Competitive You?d Eat a Carrot? Seems like a gal always learns something out on the farm! Yes, it's a farm tale and I'm going to change the names of the animals to protect the guilty! Think Twice Before Youre Nice A few months back I had a disturbing dream. In my dream a woman with stringy blonde hair rang my bell. She asked if she could come in. I didn't want to open the door. But I felt guilty about my reaction. So I let her in. She pulled out a hand gun and shot me. I woke with a start and a racing heart. I clutched my pillow and my life. My inner voice spoke immediately and sharply. "Politeness kills," it said. This was an extreme way to let me know I had to honor my boundaries. I've never liked the word "boundaries." It sounds like barbed wire or armored trucks. But I do like the feeling of listening to my intuition, respecting my inner instructions. And it feels appropriate and sacred to be mindful of my gold. I see many creative, incredible individuals who leak their strength and focus with amorphous personal boundaries. We want to be nice, helpful, and well-liked. But bear in mind that your time and attention are your personal reserves of oxygen and hydration. Time and attention create your life's dreams. Dreams keep your soul alive and contribute to all of humanity. I'd like you to create your life's dreams. That's why I'd like you to reflect on where you put your time and attention. You have a Responsibility to Yourself. You have a mission here. You have sacred work to do. No one but you knows what you came for. The people in our lives may not appreciate the work we feel compelled to do, the dreams we wish to give birth to. They may fling casual, loose, social standards your way, just like tossing horseshoes at a backyard barbecue. I used to have a hard time saying no to lunch dates and coffee. People would often say to me, "You have to eat, right?" and I'd feel found out and exposed, like I was hiding time from this person. And then I'd eat with them--and eat my heart out at the same time. Of course they were wonderful people. Of course I got value out of the time together. But that doesn't mean anything. I'd get value out of reading about the history of socks, too. But I had something specific I yearned to do. I wanted to write a book. I ached when I did not write. Every time I said yes to a lunch date, I said no to my dream. That became too wounding. I learned to say "No." It's not selfish to want to give time to your dream. Your dream will give love and energy into this world. I often think about the people I esteem in life. Mother Teresa had a guiding mission. Martin Luther King had a burning cause. They did not squander their energy or time by being polite. They gave in huge ways because they said no to little things. It's not Selfish to be Honest "I don't want to be selfish," said a client of mine recently who admitted not wanting to get together with a friend. "She needs me." Now there are times when someone needs us and we feel called to be there. That's wonderful. When we're called, it feels good to be there. It doesn't feel like an obligation. It feels like a secret mission or a privilege. But more often than not, someone "needs" us and we're afraid to decline. Here's the thing though. You can't change your feelings. When you truly don't want to do something, it's not doing anyone any favors to lie. Your energy doesn't lie. If you do something you don't want to do, you may just end up being late, angry, sarcastic, withdrawn, and, in general, as mild-mannered as a jackal or a jalapeno pepper. That ride to the airport will be no joyride. And nobody will get what they wanted. What if you could trust your feelings? What if you knew that if you honored your own needs, you would naturally increase your generosity? What if it's okay to just love what you love and dislike what you dislike and gravitate where you are drawn? Why do we secretly think we are being ruthless? What if we are being elegant? What if we are daring to live gracefully by daring to listen to our inner voice? What makes you think that your persistent feelings are wrong? I trust that your soul is pure and precious and knows your highest purpose. And I hope you listen to its promptings more than some sick, guilt-inducing nagging, sagging voice that makes you feel burdened inside. One voice will make you feel heavy and one will make you feel light. One is thudding in the wrong direction. And one is turning right. Your Real Relationships will Support the Real You Often times we're afraid to honor our boundaries, because we don't want to upset the people around us. Indeed some people will balk at your limits and may even suggest that your decreased availability is the first sign of Satan worship or advanced Narcissism. But real relationships support the real you. I have no doubt that my friends would prefer to hear from me more often than they do. But they prefer my authenticity and happiness even more. That's why they're true friends. Some individuals who seem to demand the most of us are energy vampires. They feed on your warmth and pay no heed to your needs. They will demand that you be giving. And you will never give enough. Recently while driving to Northern California where I had a speaking engagement, I decided to stop for a quick break. I chose to wander into a small boutique with painted scarves in its windows. When I got into the shop, the owner started telling me about the sales she had going. I nodded politely. She continued to tell me about the rugs she had imported from Turkey and I found myself hanging on every word though I didn't want any rugs or details of her trip. Her enthusiasm kept me paralyzed. I only had a few minutes to stop here and look around. Finally, I excused myself and walked away. The owner followed me and kept talking. She refused to give me space. That's when I walked out of the shop. I decided I did not need to indulge someone who was not respecting me. I breathed in the salt air of that gorgeous ocean town and skipped back to my car. I felt like a fly who had escaped a spider's web. *** Always be kind. But think twice before you're "nice." Nice, is often a mask of pleasantness we put over negative feelings. Nice is often a form of self-rejection. Real kindness feels good. It's when we give because we want to give and we give in ways that respect everyone, including us. If you want to give to others, give truly. Give the exceptional gift of taking care of yourself and tending to your dreams. Give the love that can only come from you expressing your unrivaled talents and devotions on this earth. Follow your calling and draw lines when you must. Doing what matters should never be sacrificed for a false idea of manners. 10 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Went Into the Real World I must confess, I laughed when I saw that Maria Shriver has come out with a book called, "Ten Things I Wish I Had Known Before Going Into The Real World." The real world? Come on, she grew up a Kennedy and married the biggest action movie star of all time! That aside, it got me to thinking: What are ten things I wish I would have known before going out into the real world? So, here they are... Attention! Thought Crossing! ? Or, The Secret of What?s Between Your Ears What are you thinking - right now? 'I'm reading your article!' you say. Well, take a little bit of a closer look. What's spinning in the back of your mind? Is it that big deadline that's looming at the end of the week? Or how you're going to deal with your mother-in-law this weekend? Or maybe you're worrying about your finances? How to Forgive Another for Past Hurts No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you. How to Tune In Your Brain & Feel Confident with People in Moments One day when I was in school, many years ago, the school principal wandered into our class room, sat down and started to talk. THE Step to Working Smarter (Japanese Style) Remember that Coke contest from the 80s? If you collected bottle tops that had the letters to spell T-H-E R-E-A-L T-H-I-N-G, then youd win a zillion dollars.
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