Attraction: Is It Worth It?
The Common Scenario:
Your partner is hardly ever home to give you attention and when he is home, he's preoccupied with his own routine. The two of you then start picking on the little things about each other. This makes you feel unappreciated and lonely; down on yourself.
One day, you're running household errands after work and notice a male co-worker. He comes up to you and asks you to join him for coffee. You accept and the two of you talk and laugh. You then exchange email addresses and next thing you know, you're looking forward to talking with him again and maybe even liking your job a little more.
Weeks go by, and the excitement ebbs just a little as you begin to feel guilty and confused. You begin to have obsessive thoughts as your co-worker wants the two of you to have sometime alone. Your wandering if he could bring you the happiness that's lacking in your home life, if the grass is truly greener on the other side.
What do you do?
You're Only Human:
It's human nature for you to know that you're desired or loved and wanted. Of course, some are just plain addicted to the feeling of excitement one gets while going through an attraction with another person other than their partner. Insecure feelings and lack of self confidence can make a person think and sometimes do regrettable things when receiving attention from another. In fact, 274 out of 703 people are lacking intimacy altogether from their partner. Most people yearn for passion in their lives almost more than they want or need money. The media puts great emphasis on it through internet, movies, television, radio, magazines and books. I can't count how many times I've read a juicy romance novel and wanted to pummel my husband with it as he was sacked out on the sofa.
Paying The Piper Of Desire:
Desire with love is over rated and misunderstood everywhere and many relationships are torn apart by perceptions of what a person thinks they need to fill a void in their life. They'll practically sell their souls for romance, passion, desire and excitement. Something that their partner can't or won't give. But then, most never communicate with their partners about what they need so how can they know that they can't get it? The few that have discussed their needs and wants with their partners still don't receive it which momentarily justifies their actions. Very rarely does either party gain anything but guilt and even self-loathsome. Not to mention, what others feel and think about them when they choose to act upon their attraction or infatuation.
Phase In...Phase Out:
Infatuation is a strong, foolish, yet transitory, attachment to someone or something. Attraction is similar but less worded. In a survey I conducted, the average person that experienced attraction or infatuation was in the thirty-something category. Many people, especially women, go through an extreme transition at this stage in life. Primping in the mirror and finding the crows feet forming or the laugh lines. Looking back to see what has been accomplished and what hasn't. Wondering what's out there. We all go through it and it does take a toll on our self-esteem.
Use It Or Lose It:
Personally, infatuation over someone other than your partner can actually put spark into a stale relationship. According to my own survey, 19% said that their relationship and feelings with their partner were positively stronger after their infatuation with another. On the other hand, 31% said it never changed their relationship at all because they never told their partner and never acted on their feelings.
Most people do make the undeniable mistake of acting on their infatuation while otherwise committed to another. Out of 294 males, 124 have cheated on their partner and 122 out of 326 females did the same. Approximately, 30% of my personal survey takers advise others in similar situations to "be careful" because "it's not worth it" or "recognize the attraction for what it is and don't read more into it." On a positive note, 37% of those that took the survey did not act upon their attraction.
Is This Love?
The definition of love is, a feeling that animates a person who is devoted to, and sincerely fond of another person or thing that they desire actively. No wonder so many confuse infatuation and attraction with love! The similarities are quite evident. But the key words are "devoted" and "desire actively". Love for another is long-lasting, a more grounded feeling than infatuation or attraction. None of the situations mentioned in my own survey resulted in love or marriage with the other person. Although, 44% resulted in a serious, sexual relationship but neither case ended up as just a one-night-stand. For the most part, 27% say that it's just a memory that they'd rather forget. And only 27% hope to see that person again.
Rewind And Redefine:
So why are most of us so hell-bent on the excitement of infatuation or always wondering if the next person is "the one" even though we are already in a commitment? It's all about ourselves. What we're not getting and refuse to ask for and give in return. How we feel about or see ourselves through another's eyes. Our boredom with a current situation. Not to mention, some of us are just thrill-seekers and taboo-addicts.
Recently, I came upon a quote from SavvyMale.com on attraction.
"We go to the garden to look at the flowers, not the weeds. People are attracted to different looking flowers. But even some pretty flowers stink once we try to smell them."
In my opinion, the moral of this quote is, physical attraction is important at first. Only when we attempt to explore more qualities will we know if a chemistry exists and most of the time it doesn't. However, if we are already committed to another, we can still look at the pretty flowers; just leave them alone. Instead, share your feelings of their beauty with your partner and cultivate your own beautiful garden as a couple. There's a greater chance of your grass being the greenest of all.
© Audrey King 2005 'Links For Moms' bringing valuable resources to busy moms. http://www.linksformoms.com
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To Love Forever
Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives with lovers whose happiness is crucial to their own fulfillment -- even if they failed to understand the reciprocal nature of mutual satisfaction while they were young. In our youthful years we may be so filled with such intense sexual desires that we forget it really does take two to tango successfully for any length of time. If either lover feels deprived, the music soon loses its ability to charm us. As we learn to love a person deeply, we want both to be personally satisfied -- while also becoming a pleasing lover. Our sexual pleasure remains second rate unless the lover becomes a full partner in the intimacy. Of course, some neurotic persons use sex in a power play for ego benefits that have little to do with love. We insist -- all psychospiritually healthy women and men want to please the sweetheart with whom they share physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Anything less is selfishness -- is prima facia evidence that one is still an emotional adolescent, grasping what he or she can in a short term relationship. Sexual selfishness and the potential for abuse that follows is always the result of one's serious emotional and spiritual failures.
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It seems that no matter how much we love someone, and how deeply we are committed, keeping the sizzle alive in a relationship takes a little work. Here are ten ways you can help ignite the flame that was there when you first got together. Don't take your relationship for granted. Everyone is guilty of this. Time passes, we assume our partner will always be with us. We have gotten used to the things they do for us that in the beginning seemed special. Every so often it is a good idea to remind yourself of the good things this person has brought into your life. Appreciation for your partner strengthens the bond between you and a strong bond naturally leads to intimacy. Spend time together doing something you both enjoy. This is always a good idea as it builds stronger bonds which promote intimacy. This may seem obvious but sometimes we get so busy, we forget to do the basic things that make a relationship strong. Along with this one comes communication. Communicating your feelings and desires to your partner is very important. Set the mood. Dim the lights, light candles, have soft, seductive music playing in the background. Share a romantic dinner. Light a fire and curl up together. Flirt. Do different things to make the atmosphere conducive to romance. Lingerie. New lingerie for him or her can add a little spice. Once a week, make the effort to look your best and put on something seductive. Your partner will appreciate the effort. Full body massages. One week he gets a full body massage, the next week she does. You will look forward to that night. Fantasies. Fantasizing is normal. If there is a fantasy that you have that involves your partner, tell him/her. Women generally have a harder time doing this then men do, but ladies, most men are excited by the idea that you fantasize about them. Play games. You can turn any game into one that will lead to intimacy. Make a wager at the start of the game and each of you state what you want if you win. Nothing is out of bounds as long as the two of you agree. Role Playing. Although you may feel a little silly at first, this can be quite exciting. Have him dress up like a fireman. Have her wear the French maid's outfit. Whatever you can think of. Light Bondage. No I'm not talking about whips and chains, however, padded handcuffs, a blindfold, or simply tying your hands together with pantyhose can add a new dimension to your love life. Letting your partner have complete control, or you having complete control over them can be exciting. Write a steamy story. Write a story with you and your partner as the main characters. Let your imagination go. Read your story to your partner.
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Destroyers of Relationships
Communication and listening is very important in any relationship. For it says in Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they agreed to do so? Honesty is another factor in a relationship in Colossians 3:9 it says Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Sex is another factor, it says at 1Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
8 Ways to Improve Your Long Distance Relationship
Couples in love may often find themselves having to live apart for a period of time throughout their relationship due to job commitment, studies, military obligation and etc. This has made us wonder whether a relationship can survive the physical distance. Different people may have different view towards the subject and if you ask me?. I will give you this answer? "YOU are the one who is going to determine whether it will work or not" "There are nobody in this world who can tell you whether you can survive or not except yourself". Surviving a long distance relationship is not about promises or luck but it is very much dependent on how you think, act, manage and most importantly, how you want the outcome to be. Therefore it is very important to make up your mind whether you want the relationship to work or not. It will be easier once you have done that as there are tons of thing you can do to improve your distance relationship. Below are the ways you can use to survive and improve your distance relationship in summary.
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Is It Love or Money?
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Marital contracts have an honorable history going back thousands of years, but they have not been put to good use for modern couples. Instead they have developed a bad reputation for being legalistic, money-grubbing things, negatively preoccupied with all that might go wrong in the future, and too often used to strip a woman marrying a wealthy man of her rights to property, support, and inheritance. But it doesn't have to be that way.
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