When A Relationship Goes Bad
What do you do when a long term relationship goes bad? How do you pick up the pieces and get on with your life? It is very simple for someone to tell you that you should just forget about the person you once loved and find someone new.
You don't want to stop rehashing in your mind the how and why the relationship went bad. What might you have done to fix it. What did you do wrong to ruin the relationship? Why couldn't you just change and make it better.
Guess what. It probably wasn't really your fault and it probably wasn't really your partners fault. It just happened. You just grew in different directions. Don't cry too much over it. Pick up the pieces and start fresh. It might even be a blessing in disguise. Because, your next relationship might be the relationship to end all relationships. So, now hopefully you have something to look forward to.
People grow apart no matter how much they think they are compatible with each other. As time goes by your belief's and interests change. If you are not in tune with your partner you both start to grow in different directions. As sad as it seems, this is really a healthy thing. If people stop growing and learning then they stop living. And, if you are not living then you are dead. And, that is definitely not a fun thing.
You can try to solve your differences. With discussion you might be able to convey what each of you are feeling and what your current needs are. If you and your partner think the relationship is worth saving, then maybe you each can make concessions and again find the common ground you both once had.
If you two can't, then stop beating each other. Just decide to end the relationship and try to leave as friends. You both will be much happier in the end.
It will take time to heal the wounds. Take some time off. Try to clear your head. Don't ponder over what is done. And, definitely don't replay the relationship over and over again in your head. You will just be torturing yourself needlessly.
And, don't sulk too long. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off as soon as you can. Start meeting people again. Force yourself a little if you have to. This is the only way to start the healing process.
Being happy with a smile on your face will help you get through life a lot easier. You will be able to do your job a lot better when you are happy. And, your friends will like you better even you are smiling and not sulking or crying.
Try an internet online dating service if you want to jump back into the dating life. Online dating is fun and you will be able to meet many fun and exciting people who share many of the same interests as you.
Remember, going through life with a smile on your face because you are happy inside is much better than being miserable day to day. So, think of the end of your relationship as a temporary setback that is allowing you to find a partner you will enjoy spending the rest of your life with. Good Luck and I wish you success finding the person of your dreams.
Sometimes You Got to Spy ? Dealing with Online Infidelity
Online infidelity is more prevalent than you think. This includes chatting with unknown faces and watching or seeing porno. This is a real issue and it is completely addictive. Unless you stop now it is going to be a real issue developing into a big monster that is going to swallow your relationship, your friends and family. Ask yourself if your spouse has the same tools that you have to cheat as well and can you take it easy if they do? Infidelity is not worth the few hours you get to enjoy. Soon you have to spend hours spinning out webs of lies and more webs of lies to protect the lies. Finally you fall down because of the lies you spun out. The lies are more damaging than the act itself. You need to get a counselor and start talking about this problem. Deal with this now before it is too late.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7, 2004
The Grammar of Good Communication
No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor is it a discourse on the finer points of rhetoric!
What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
Everything was great.
Are You Relationship Ready?
So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene
The Unfairly Judged Professor
An All Too Familiar Tale
The Three Rings of Relationships
Glenna Trout is an international authority on face reading whose name I first registered in the context of Domestic Violence. (She contributed to The Kent Constabulary's extraordinarily informative leaflet on Domestic Violence.) As her eyes read my face, she talked about the Three Rings.
Can Men And Women Be Friends? Or When Harry Met Sally Did He Really Just Want to Jump Her Bones?
Men and women can't really be just friends, can they? Of course not. There's always that pesky sexual tension to contend with. And what about the spouse, spousal equivalent, or boyfriend/girlfriend who's sure to be jealous? Plus, there's the biological/sociological nesting imperative that women contend with and the hunting imperative that seems to drive men.
Are you (or are you with) a Commitment-Phobe?
We hear it all the time. "He just won't make a commitment." "She just wants some space right now." "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship."
The Logic Of Females - Or Lack There Of
Many males complain that they don't understand females. Many females complain that they don't understand males. We also have the classic saying that men are from mars and women are from venus. Physically both sexes are very similar and are of the same species so what is the problem?
The greatest asset we have in human existence is our soul growth, but somehow we have that confused with becoming powerful. Power does not bring growth unless we understand the essence of sharing that power.
The 100 Laws
In any group of abused women there's almost always at least one who is extremely attractive; well groomed, well presented and the complete opposite of the kind of stereotypes that people normally harbour.
How to Ask for a Gratifying Sex Life
So your relationship has changed over the years since you said "I do" and sex isn't what it use to be. First you should know that this is normal and common place in the majority of marriages. Knowing that you are not alone does not make you feel any better nor does it get you the satisfying sex life that you once had. You simply can't go through the trials of life without changing.
Relationship Red Flags Do Appear Early On
So often in the bloom of a new romance we set aside a few "minor" character flaws to let the relationship continue, where sometimes we really should just end it early, and cut our losses. I'll make a list of a few of the ones that often come up. Unfortunately, individuals that have these red flags are often the most charismatic people in the room. So be careful when you are starting out, so you can disengage before you are too involved. 1. Do they make all of the decisions for you? They chose where to go, what to eat, who you will be with? 2. Must they know where you are all of the time? Are the calling too often to check up on you? Are they calling you eleven times in an hour because you couldn't get to the phone? (Calling that often isn't cute, it's controlling.) 3. Do they force themselves sexually too early in the relationship? Are they pushing for intimacy too early? Are the pushing you in other intimate areas you do not want to go. 4. Do they lie? If they lie about minor details, they will lie about more, later on. This will happen. It is one thing to lie about small social things, lies about marriages, children, jobs, housing, finances, and past experiences is not acceptable. 5. Are they physically aggressive? Are they mean to your pets or other small animals? Do they hit the walls? 6. Are they kind to other people? Do the run down other people? Stay away if they fail these tests. You will be their subject when you are not in earshot. Maybe not today, but one day, this will happen. 7. Are they putting you down in private or public? We build up people we love; we do not tear them down. 8. Do they want you to slow down other social contacts and be with them instead of others in your social circle? 9. Do they forget important details in your life, or interests that you really hold near and special to you? If they gloss over them, they really think more of themselves than you. 10. Do they fail to acknowledge your areas of expertise? Are you a fantastic cook and they won't let you cook? This is really a short list, listen to your gut, your natural instinct, if something feels funny, stop and evaluate it honestly. Ask yourself if your close friend was describing these events and what they would do. If it sounds odd what you're telling your friend, guess what, it is odd. End the new relationship while it is early, before you give that person your heart.
Relationship Reality: Are Your Relationships Based In Reality or Fantasy?
Within the next two to three minutes, you will uncover if you have had relationships based in reality or fantasy!
Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process
If you grew up in the 80s like I did, you might remember the group Depeche Mode and their hit "Just Can't Get Enough." It is a song about being obsessed with the idea of being with someone, about needing another person. Romance easily becomes this addiction when we believe that we are not complete without someone else and that we simply cannot get enough of the blissful feeling we get when we are with him or her. When we believe we need the romance to be complete, we are in trouble for we are perfect and complete, connected to the world at all times - we merely need to choose to acknowledge that we are.
Lifelong Partners, Lifelong Growth
Many people, maybe even you, think there is only one life partner for each of us in our lives. I've got good news ? we all have many, many life partners. A life partner doesn't have to be a romantic partner. A life partner is anyone with whom you share long term growth, internally and externally. Relationships in which you can grow with another person as change inevitably occurs are life partnerships. So the pressure is off -- you don't have to look for "the one" anymore.
"The important thing to remember when it comes to forgiving is that forgiveness doesn't make the other person right; it makes you free." --Stormie Omartian
Name That Tune
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26, 2004
Stand By Your Man: No Matter What?
We all heard the report of a prisoner escaping after his wife shot and killed the correctional officer transferring him to another jail.
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