Whats The Attraction?
Why do people have affairs? Why not do the 'right' thing and leave a marriage first if one is inclined to step out of it? The reasons are as varied as the people involved. Public perception of infidelity is someone with a sexual overdrive and their pants around their ankles, and while that may be true in some cases, it's not as common a reason as one would think. The following are just a few of the reasons for staying in a marriage and having extracurricular activities.
Hardly the stuff of romance, but yes, money matters play a HUGE part in the decision to stay or leave. For women, it's often a question of not making enough to support themselves, let alone a family, so they put up and shut up. For men, child and spousal maintenance can reduce them to living below the poverty level. Loss of accumulated material wealth also plays an important part in the decision to stay.
Okay, we've all heard both sides of that argument. There are those who believe you should put up with damn near anything for the kids, and those who believe if the marriage is on the rocks, the kids are better off without it staying intact. Either way, kids are pretty resilient, they can adapt to any situation. The parents can't. Being a non-custodial parent is gut wrenching, and most parents would be willing to do anything to avoid that scenario. To go from daily contact to bi-weekly visitations, or worse, being a 'check in the mail' is a giant leap, and not a good one. For a lot of us, it's far preferable to have regular contact with a less than ideal spouse than to have limited contact with our kids.
Believe it or not, we still have them. It's not an easy decision to step outside your marriage; it goes against everything we've ever been taught. Most of us struggle with massive amounts of guilt before we ever cross that line, never mind after. There's also the added pressure of expectations of family members, co-workers, and society in general to be upstanding citizens. None of us grow up aspiring to commit adultery, and we feel like failures when we do succumb. Leading a double life allows us at least the perception of a successful marriage, even if truthfully it's in name only.
This is self-explanatory. Whether the abuse is implied or historical, physical or emotional, the effect is the same. Simply, one is just too damned scared to leave, and has little, if any, confidence in seeing themselves through. An affair may provide them with the encouragement and support that they're lacking on the home front. As well, it's an escape from what their reality is.
Okay, I already know what everyone is thinking. How is it possible to betray ones' spouse and still claim to love them? It's simple really. The partner that is having the affair isn't having some of their needs met, but that doesn't necessarily erase all of the feelings they may have towards their spouse. He/she may be the most wonderful person in the world, having never done anything 'wrong' to deserve being kicked to the curb, but there are elements missing in the relationship that the affair makes up for. It could be lack of interest in their partner's hobbies, incompatible libidos, lack of physical attraction, etc. Far too often, couples fawn over each other, only to stop dead in their tracks after the wedding ceremony. They get along fine, they're great company for each other, but they become complacent, as though the need to hold their partner's interest no longer exists. They no longer worry about looking good or showing genuine enthusiasm towards their partner, but in their own way, there is still an affectionate bond and a commitment to the marriage.
Even though we realize that we run the risk of being caught, and that it will be devastating to our partners when we are, we commit adultery to avoid hurting them. How does one walk up to their partner of 20-30 years, and inform them that they've met someone else? "Thanks for everything, but I'm out of here?" We lie and sneak around to delay the pain as long as possible, even though it hurts us to do so, and eventually, our spouses too.
© Arlie MacGregor, 2004
Between The Sheets...The Affordable Adult Alternative http://www.betweenthesheets.net
Be Glad That There?s Quarrel in Your Relationship
Is your love relationship smooth? Have the both of you actually quarreled before? If your answer is yes, then you should be happy and be glad that it happened. But if your answer is however a no, then you should be aware of the danger that you are facing. Hmm? did I make things sound a bit too scary? Ha, it is not exactly that serious; don't be scared off by me. Well, I should believe that the both of you are just, still in the sweet honeymoon period of your relationship.
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don't change anything.
He?s So Loving (But He Has These Black Moods)
It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving their partner is. Stranger still is that it usually happens after they have talked about extraordinary threats, behaviour or violence to which he has subjected them.
Great Relationships: Checkbook Battles and How to Solve Them
"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own the mall yet?!"
Relationship Conflict: Lock Horns or Lock Arms
One of my favorite comic strips growing up was "The Lockhorns." Not so much because it particularly funny (although it was), but because it seemed like a great model for how not to do love relationships.
Pros and Cons of Online Relationships
Modern technology hasn't solved any of the problems of creating and preserving a good relationship. Computers and the internet have merely added a new wrinkle in old pattern of love and loss. With websites that specialize in matching people up according to whatever criteria they choose, there are more and more people finding each other but, unfortunately, not many manage to stay together. While internet dating services may make it easier for people in one location to find people in a different location, it does absolutely nothing to give them the tools they need to stay together once they've met.
Am I Doing the Right Thing?
Ounce of Prevention
"To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during a fancy ceremony, but how many people actually think about what it is that they're saying? How many people commit to living those words? Complacency is one of the biggest enemies of any relationship, and it takes constant effort with both parties to avoid it and stay 'happily-ever-after'.
Feel Like a (Romantic) Kid Again
If the start of the school year makes you a little nostalgic about your own school days, why not take a little trip: back to your own childhood! Make a date with that special someone and act like children again. You'll soon see that this child-like fun can be just as romantic as a grown-up date (and a whole lot easier on the budget!)
Being A Friend Through A Divorce
We used to joke amongst the couples we are close to, "who would get custody of the friends in a divorce". We are a very close group of friends that met in college around 20 years ago, and have remained close through many of life's changes and transitions. Never did we think that our joke would have to eventually be addressed.
10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part I)
When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many couples often state that they have just grown apart. The reality of that statement just means the individuals no longer relate to or appreciate each other as they once did. This damage often occurs over a period of months or years and it is not even realized until it becomes a serious issue, which often escalates the marital problems even further.
Simple Love Spells
Here are some very simple rituals, some old, and some new that might help you achieve your romantic intentions.
Desirous Attachment , the Trap and the Solution
I've seen a lot in my life. A lot of people suffering, fearful, temporarily joyous angry, hurt, resentful, longing, hopeful, and ecstatic too.
Won Ton or Kreplach? How We Raise Children in Our Chinese-Jewish Family
I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all, she grew up eating Chinese food!
Russian Brides - Who Are They?
In recent years, thousands of young Russian and Ukrainian women have come to the USA and European countries by means of marriage and were unkindly labeled "Russian mail-order brides". But who are these women, really? Why are they prepared to leave everything behind, to go to an unknown country and live with an unknown man? Can a Russian bride really be a good solution for a Western man? We will attempt to demystify the phenomenon of mail-order-brides.
How realistic are we?
So often when we think of our ideal mate we give them qualities and attributes that one person may or may not be able to possess. These qualities can be how they look, how they treat us, to something like what kind of job that they have. Are these ideas realistic? Sometimes yes, and sometimes we are way off the mark. A good exercise may be to write down these ideals and see how realistic we are.
How To Change A Loved Ones Annoying Habits
Is there someone close to you who has an annoying habit you want changed? Perhaps a partner's controlling streak, a family member's back seat driving, or a friend's incessant unsolicited advice.
Dont Be A Doormat in Your Relationship
There comes a point in every relationship when the person you are dating will do or say something that is out of line. How you react to those situations will determine if they will gain respect for you or whether they will start to see you as a doormat and begin to misbehave even more. I call these points, "Moments of Truth".
Great Relationships: How to Solve Problems and Have Fun Too
I recently came across this quote:
Blondes Talking About Blondes!
What is it about blondes that both sexes find so appealing? We are drawn to them like we are drawn to gold or a great barbequed steak and a beer. Although there is no denying brunettes and red heads can be every bit as gorgeous, there is something about blonde colored hair that demands instant attention.
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